There is a belief by some indigenous peoples that at the heart of all disconnection lies grief.
That when we tend to the grief we heal the bonds of connection.
New age spiritualism says that fear lies at the heart of disconnection but i feel that fear is the layer that sits over the true heart ...grief.
Grief has been sitting in my heart for... I'm not sure how long now, but there was no more hiding this week.
The fear broke through my resolve and the grief cut me to my knees.
I sat on the toilet in fear and agony on Monday, howling to God for guidance and offering surrender.
I walked under the full moon last night, when the community was sleeping and I howled to her.
Tears running in torrents down my face and into the river below.
Today, I followed the call of the ocean, allowing the waves to scrub me clean.
Later I danced and showed up in leadership to facilitate a call, coincidentally (or not) called Move Through Your Emotions and afterwards I went to the rainforest.
In amongst the eternally dying and birthing landscape I opened my heart again,
Deeper,
Wider,
To grief.
Sinking into the earth and her flowing waters, my own arms to hold me,
I surrendered to what has been wanting,
Needing,
to happen.
It was excruciating.
It was exquisite.
It was perfect.
It was time.
Anias Nin said "Life expands and contracts in proportion to our courage."
While this week has be a soul reckoning of nauseatingly epic proportions it has also been a week of courage.
Showing up time and again to my own repulsive shadow...
Baring my heart wider and wider to grief...
Seeing the exact moments that would, at one time, have spiralled me down into weeks of self-loathing now as opportunities to spiral up wards into self-forgiveness.
I choose to meet this moment, this life, as a gift,
In full trust,
And to courageously reclaim and reconnect to myself in the process...
Every messy, flawed, human piece of me.
May you choose self-forgiveness, courage and Life too.
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