ʙᴏᴅʏᴄʟᴏᴄᴋꜱ & ʙᴇᴅʀᴏᴏᴍꜱ- ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀꜱᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ꜱʟᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ᴢᴏɴᴇ.
Last year, in the intense centre of Matthew & my relationship deconstruction, I stopped sleeping in our bedroom.
I hadn’t moved out, I was in limbo, sleeping on the veranda - classic #Diplomat
- Can’t keep doing one thing but terrified of what it might mean to really do another, so… kinda half do something, but not really.
One day after 3 weeks of this I came home & Matthew, in full #Activator
style had claimed our bedroom for his.
Furniture rearranged, art off the walls & new ones up, keyboard & music gear set up.
This was a man pad & I was not part of it.
I lost my shit.
By that I mean, I went cold, hard & silent.
I can do a very impressive cold, hard & silent, sometimes I scare myself
That’s soooo Diplo too, “The Diplo Stonewall”, it’s one of our best tricks.
Feels brutal for others but comes from pure, overwhelm, fear & protection.
Then later, when I was alone I also went into hysterics. Stumbling, sobbing, howling hysterics.
You see for me, this action spelt the finale. It was a door closing on possibility and confirmation that Matthew was done with me & had moved on.
Only, that wasn’t true at all.
Not even remotely.
What I saw as an undeniable death, he saw as a moment to pivot.
“This isn’t working, we can’t stay in limbo anymore, may as well make a move, a decision, and try that out.”
This is a real superpower for Activators & Connectors (& Matthew is right on the cusp between the two). They move with the moment, try things out to see what happens & can change again if it doesn’t work.
So this change “activated” me out of limbo.
With nowhere to go “back” to, I had to move forward.
I rearranged my old office & claimed it as my bedroom, complete with a bathroom, second room & own entry… actually what I ended up with was kind of my own apartment in a section of our house.
A space I could decorate as I chose, come & go as I chose & keep the hours I chose and it’s THIS bit that has been mind-blowingly GREAT!
See we are wired sooooo differently. Our “biorhythms” - built in body clocks- are polar opposite to each other.
Activators in flow love to “win the day” before it’s even started. Up at the crack of dawn ready to move & make magic happen from the get go. Then alternately fully ON followed by breaks/changes/rests throughout the day.
Diplomats on the other hand are slower to start & build in energy through the day, their real juice happening in the afternoon / evening. Often my creativity doesn’t kick in until every one else starts to wind down & even go to bed. The ultimate night owl, Matthew calls me a steam-train.
For 20 years we had been sleeping in the same bed, with enmeshed timetables & a bedroom that was simultaneously both & neither of ours.
For 20 years we had been blending our physical, mental & emotional bodies in a compromised framework that really didn’t suit either of us.
With the shift to our own spaces a whole lot of things were revealed.
How much Matthew loves & is designed for mornings & on the flip side how much I thrive when I can do mornings on my terms, slowly emerging from sleep & integrating messages from my subconscious.
How naturally ordered & spartan he is & how much of a creative, bohemian mess I am.
How different our taste in aesthetics & style is, neither good or bad, just different, and how great it is to have that variation in the house.
The biggest thing of all is how, after a period of adjustment, how we both love sleeping in our own space.
As a rule, we now sleep a lot better on our own.
Ok, so this comes with a caveat... creating space like this can lead to separation. We have had to play with the "sweet spot" of connection.
Now we are comfortable with having separate bedrooms it's been vital to ensure we have "conscious connection" time.
So we have sleepovers, cuddles or sexy time in each other's "apartment" when it feels good for both of us. It's taken a bit to get used to not being weird, guarded or offended around this but now it's all good.
Everyone is happy, everything is clear, everyone wins.
We like it.
It gives us space to be our own people, follow our own rhythms, express our selves in our own style & connect in a more deliberate, unexpected way.
Contrary to my fears at the beginning, it hasn't spelt the "death" of our relationship, instead, it's created life in it.
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